SMALL BLACK HOLE FOUND IN KBT, EXPANDING RAPIDLY

Yale Alert

To: Yale Community (faculty, staff, grad and undergrad students)

Teams from facilities, environmental health & safety, and emergency management, while monitoring equipment in the basement of KBT, have discovered a small black hole. The gravity is currently four times greater than usual in KBT and the surrounding areas. We will be activating Yale’s anti-gravity machines by tomorrow at noon. Meanwhile, all researchers and staff will be provided with helium balloons to counteract gravitational strength of the black hole.

Please make yourself as dense as possible when in the vicinity of KBT to prevent spaghettification. Gravitational tests will be performed on Wednesday morning to ensure the safety of all Yale faculty and staff. If for any reason testing of the building is unsuccessful on Wednesday, an updated communication will be provided. The building should be open to regular service on Thursday morning. In recognition of this momentous occasion, KBT Cafe will be serving cosmic brownies.

If you have any questions about the nature of this incident, please refer to this ASTR 160 video lecture, linked here. Researchers should plan to arrive Wednesday afternoon to participate in ritual sacrifice in attempt to close this minor rupture in space-time. Security and facilities staff will be on site to help with any access needs. Environmental health and safety staff will also be available to work with individual PIs to accommodate their needs.

We are working with individual researchers and faculty to resolve any issues. Thank you, to those who work and conduct research in KBT in particular, for your patience throughout this gravitational surge.

  This e-mail has been sent to you as part of the Yale University's emergency humor system. If you do not wish to receive further notifications, please go dive into the black hole. Thank you.


Feb 26, 2019, 9:23 PM